Hiding In Rooms

 

Good Morning Gorgeous.

 

Today, my heart spills over with love for you. As I reflect on the journey we're undertaking, I find myself enveloped in gratitude for the person we are becoming. It's a breathtaking realization to look at you and truly comprehend the depths of our being. This voyage of self-healing and self-discovery is nothing short of extraordinary.

 

As a healer, someone who has delved into the intricate tapestry of human behavior, I finally turned the gift of understanding onto myself. Growing up amidst profound trauma, I discovered that I had constructed rooms within myself – sanctuaries that offered escape and a sense of safety. In an attempt to shield myself from the tumultuous emotions of my reality, I learned the art of flight, soaring above the depths of what unfolded around me. It became a survival mechanism, a means to avoid truly feeling.

 

I became adept at not experiencing the world around me, a skill that turned me into a walking zombie. Life went on, and I merely moved with it, not truly embracing anything. I was numb, detached from the richness of existence, merely checking boxes as I went along. The facade I wore became a mask, a carefully curated expression that mimicked the emotions I thought I should be feeling. It was a self-deception that persisted for years.

 

Now, as I embark on the arduous task of unpacking and confronting these long-buried emotions, I face the challenge of resisting the allure of those familiar rooms in my mind or the temptation to float above the intensity of my feelings. This ethereal detachment wasn't limited to negative emotions; it permeated even the positive ones. I became a master at letting my mask dictate the appropriate facial expressions, living a lie to myself.

 

For so long, I merely went through the motions, checked the boxes, and moved forward. It was a way of existence that inflicted its own kind of pain. I recall having to psych myself up just to tackle the simplest tasks. But now, everything has changed. I yearn to experience life in its entirety, the good and the bad. I am on a quest to embrace every feeling, every emotion, no matter how intense.

 

I've witnessed the consequences of escaping and numbness. I've floated through life, and I've come to realize that the pain of avoiding, of not truly being, far surpasses the challenges of simply allowing ourselves to exist. Now, I choose to be present, to live authentically, and to embrace the full spectrum of what it means to feel.

 

With love and vulnerability,

Me